Even the thought of communicating with a co-parent may elicit a deep sigh. Many of you can’t imagine having a conversation with a co-parenting without delving into nasty banter or button pushing. You may have tried to be rational and your co-parent is vested in letting you know everything you did wrong or how unhappy he or she is feeling both in the past and present.
It is hard to believe but many separating or divorced parents seem to relish there miscommunication with each other. The renewal of old angry feelings keeps the issue of who has power over whom alive and keeps that familiar connection going. Using negative strategies can make you feel strong and in a one-upmanship position over your co-parent. Sound familiar?
You can get into all of the “why’s” and “how’s” of your failed relationship, but it won’t serve any purpose in getting on with your life and getting into a position of co-parenting your children. You don’t have to resolve all of your feelings regarding your former partner in order to be an effective co-parent. But you do need to make every effort to communicate well. It is in your lines of communication that much of your children’s lives get lived.
Embrace the idea of good communication and keep these goals in mind when communicating with your co-parent:
1. Make clear arrangements regarding your kids.
2. Model good negotiating and problem solving for your kids.
3. Make life easier.
When communicating with a co-parent keep your eye on the prize. You are doing this for your kids. If your co-parent is in the habit of goading you, don’t take the bait. Develop a deaf ear and remember that you aren’t trying to make the relationship work any longer. You are working toward a new role of co-parent in the best interest of your children.
You can’t control the other parent, but you can control yourself. If things are heating up take a step back, cool off before answering the phone, change the subject and remember to stay out of the dance. Remember, your kids are listening.
Being a good co-parent sometimes requires putting on blinders. Don’t let yourself get riled up by every little thing. Some people are expert manipulators and they know just how to push your buttons, but you have a choice in how you respond. Talk to yourself, let it go, drop it and walk away. Tell yourself that this is not about your co-parent. It is about your kids.
Well, it’s finally over. No more attorneys and decisions have been made. Now you have to make it work for your children and yourself. Now it is time to create a new beginning.
After a divorce you are essentially redefining and restructuring your parenting roles and duties that now exist in two separate households. Secondly, you have to redefine your personal life and get on with your new life. Your new challenges at this stage are managing separate households, connecting with your ex-spouse as co-parents and not partners, and developing new social ties as a single adult.
So how do you manage separate households?
The most important thing to realize and maybe the toughest to get over is that the old household can never exist again. No matter how hard you try to recreate it, the old household is gone. Instead of trying to make everything exactly the same put your efforts into making your new environment comfortable and pleasant. Maybe you never decorated your own place before and your taste as a single parent is much different than when you were with your spouse. Bring out your creativity. Make your home a place where you and your kids will want to be. Have some fun with your new home. Let the kids decorate their rooms. They will enjoy having something different from their old room. Make it a positive experience.
How do you reconnect as single parents rather than partners?
This is tough and probably one of the most difficult aspects of co-parenting is learning to be parents when you are no longer partners. No matter what form of custody you have, no matter what division of the kid’s time has been developed, you and your former partner need to define a shared and respectful role as parents. A couple of quick tips to make transitioning between homes more enjoyable: respect your ex-partner’s time and schedule. If you are going to be late, call and let them know. Do not comment on the other parent’s lifestyle or household. Don’t judge or criticize the other parent’s life or home. Children do not need to be caught in the middle of your opinions or power struggles. Realize that life does go on after a divorce and there is a high likelihood that there will be another companion entering your ex-partner’s life. Remember, you are always the parent to your child. No one replaces you as a parent, but do encourage good relationships with new people in your kid’s lives. Again, kids do not belong in the middle of adult emotions.
How do you develop new social ties for yourself?
Social isolation is not healthy following a divorce. A lot of parents throw themselves headfirst into parenting after a divorce and while that is a great thing, you need to develop a new support system for yourself to be a healthy parent. Push yourself to go out with friends and co-workers. Reconnect with old friends before you were married. Take up new activities; join a gym, a church, synagogue, join a support group or an organization. There are plenty of people out there waiting to connect with you and enjoy you as a friend. You have to put yourself out there.
If you need parenting classes or support, please come to parentingclassonline.net. We have parenting classes, co-parenting classes, divorce classes and even a class for your kids to take online. We also over a free online support forum for parents called parentsconnectingonline.ning.com. All parents are welcome.
That’s a tough one because there are so many parenting classes online that it is confusing to weed through all of them.
The first most important thing to look at is the qualifications of the instructor. If you are required to take a parenting class by the legal system (divorce, separation, child services etc.) they will definitely look at the qualifications of the instructor. The court systems want qualified therapists/counselors teaching parenting classes because they deal with family issues and they are bound by their professional license to produce a class where people learn positive skills of parenting. Courts will respect a certificate signed by a licensed therapist.
The second most important thing to look at is if they are really an accepted program. I have seen websites pop up overnight stating that they are nationally accepted. Ask them for proof of who has accepted their program. Just because they put up a website does not mean they are an accepted parenting class.
Find out if there is a phone number you can talk to a live person. If the class only lists a P.O. Box be careful choosing that program. A lot of therapists will use a P.O. Box for mailing correspondence, but they will also list a phone number for your questions.
Read the wording of their site. If it confuses you get out of there. There are differences between parenting, co-parenting and divorce classes. If you are reading conflicting messages on a website they may not know the difference themselves and you may waste your time taking the wrong class.
If you are looking for a quality parenting class online come to parentingclassonline.net and read through the programs. We are nationally accepted and the state of Florida has recognized our program of excellence statewide. We will work with you to select the appropriate program for you and see you through to the end.
It is easy to believe that we have no control over our lives. Life either treats us good or bad and we have no control over what happens. “It’s not fair!” “Life sucks!” “Poor me.” “Why did that happen to me?”
Maybe the bigger question should be…. How am I treating “my” life? For some reason we all think that life is just supposed to treat us with respect and that we have no obligation in determining how our life flows.
I challenge you to monitor your self- talk for a day or two and I bet you will hear complaints and grievances against life. Maybe you will find that your self-talk is actually talking you into holding on to the unfair things that have happened in the past with no real solutions to move beyond the negativity.
Let’s switch that self talk around to understanding that everyone has been wronged at some point in life. We have all been unjustly treated. When we hold onto the “bad” we are trying to make ourselves “right” rather than learning, growing and moving on. Holding onto the bad is demeaning to ourselves and serves no purpose in moving forward in life.
Choose to believe that life is precious. There is no one living who hasn’t been challenged in one way or another. Instead of harboring and holding onto the “unfairness” of life let’s turn that around and ask ourselves what we can learn from the experience. Where do I go from here? How do I move on from this? The answers are within you and there are plenty of solutions waiting for you to try…. but you have to let go of the negative and switch over to the positive side of life.
Life will go on and you will keep flowing through life. You have a choice. Enjoy life living in solutions or let life take you on a path of listening to your negative thoughts. When you choose a life of solutions you choose to treat your life with respect. So when someone asks you, “How is life treating you?” You can answer, “I am treating my life with respect and living in solutions.” I bet they haven’t heard that one before!
I get this question a lot when someone thinks they may have an issue with anger. If you are asking the question, my first thought is there is probably something going on in your life that is making you question yourself and your behavior.
A few quick questions to ask yourself:
Are others in your life telling you that you have a problem with anger?
Are co-workers asking you to look into your behavior?
Do you feel okay about the way you represent yourself in the world?
Do you think there are better ways to handle your emotions, but you aren’t sure where to begin?
These are just a few of the many questions you can ask yourself to better understand if you need help managing your anger.
Anger management is really about so many things. People are often surprised when they take my anger management class and they realize that anger management is more than just learning new behaviors.
Because anger is a secondary emotion we know that something is usually happening first to trigger the anger. That is the key component in anger management. What is happening first to create the secondary emotion of anger?
If you are questioning yourself if you may have a problem with anger then you probably could learn some new ways of looking at your emotions and behavior.
Find an anger management class that you feel comfortable taking. It could be an online class or face-to-face counseling. Which ever learning style is better for you is the right place for you. At angermanagementonline.com we offer several different online classes as well as face-to-face and telephone counseling. We also offer an anger evaluation you can take in your own home.
If you are asking yourself about anger chances are you need help. Reach out and find the help you need so that you can grow in your life and move on in positive solutions.
